Anything
by maraudersgirl47
Summary: Cas feels it - the minute Dean is ripped into anguish, and he feels it. Season 9x09 Coda. Oneshot.


_ATTN: set just after the end of 9x09 Holy Terror - so spoilers for everything! I don't really know what this is.. just me dealing with the heartbreaking mid season finale_

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Cas feels it – the minute Dean is ripped into anguish and he _feels_ it.

He'd been human a short amount of time, especially considering he'd been in existence for millennia, and it's a shock at how fast he seemed to have forgotten what it is to feel this again. This; Dean's soul calling out to him, thrumming with renewed amount of passion straight to his being – regretfully it wasn't a joyful pull.

Cas abandoned the small area of civilization he'd managed to reach, seeking the only thing that he could focus on, the only thing that mattered. Dean. Dean was in pain.  
Cas ignored the small narcissistic part of himself that wanted to make itself known, spiking elation through him at the thought that he _could _feel Dean again. The connection that had been severed between them when he'd lost his grace had been reforged – he could help again.

Cas appeared inside the walls of the bunker, casting his eyes around immediately searching for some form of threat. There was nothing there. The room was void except for – Dean.

The elder Winchester was hunched on the floor, his back turned solidly in Cas' direction as he rested on his knees, shoulders shaking and body shielding something from Cas' view.  
Cas remained motionless, taking a moment to access Dean's defensive position and try and work out – Cas' hands clenched into fists when he saw the body lying in Dean's arms. His breath coming in a much deeper drag (not that he required the use of his lungs any longer) as he heard Dean sob.

Cas stepped forward carefully, silently coming to stand over Dean's shoulder and gazing down. The burnt out eyes of Kevin Tran were half covered in Dean's shirt as he clutched the boy to his chest, but Cas could still see their evidence, he still knew the devastation that had come to pass.

Dean turned his head in Cas' direction the slightest amount and it was enough for the newly restructured angel to know that it was Dean acknowledging his presence. Cas gripped his hand to the top of Dean's shoulder, his intention to offer some kind of physical support but the motion only seemed to cause Dean to shudder with more force.

"Dean," Cas stated softly. He didn't expect any form of response, wasn't seeking any, it was more of an instinctual action than anything, something to solidify to himself that Dean wasn't the one currently lying motionless.

Dean turned his face properly away from Kevin's still form, nudging the side of his cheek against Cas' leg as he turned his bleary eyes upwards. "I can't -" Dean's voice was thick with pain, he cut himself off, closing his eyes and Cas watched as two new trails of water leaked out of each of them, "I can't – need you to – you need to know -" Dean's words were halted as he reached for Cas' hand, grasping at his fingers tightly as he drew his palm to his face, "Need you to -"

Cas nodded in understanding, cupping his hand securely to Dean's jaw as Dean's hand fell away. He paused only briefly before shifting his fingers to Dean's forehead, he rested his palm there and waited for Dean's willing memories to flow.

Cas watched through a view that wasn't his own as Dean made the decision to have 'Ezekiel' save Sam in the hospital all those months ago. He watched as Dean fought with himself time and time again, fearing that he had made the wrong call. He even saw as Dean sent him away, felt a pain not dissimilar to his own as he watched himself leaving the bunker with so much dejection behind his eyes. He saw everything; terror, hurt, doubt – all of it leading to this. Whoever it was residing within Sam announcing full control and destroying the one friend that they had managed to count on for so long now.

Dean seemed to have lost the little energy he had left as Cas finally drew his hand away, glassy green eyes gazing up at him with nothing but vulnerability, "I'm so sorry Cas."

Cas dropped himself to his knees, sinking to Dean's level and holding the hunter's reluctant gaze with force, "Do not -. You don't need to -. I understand, Dean. Everything."

Maybe once a statement like that would have been a lie. Words to merely placate in the only known way. But not anymore – things were different now, Cas was different now, because he could understand. Humanity, Dean, everything.

Cas stretched his arm around Dean's shoulders trying to soothe the still discontented muscles and he didn't resist as Dean leaned against him heavily, resting his head against Cas' shoulder and letting tears flow once more.

They remained on the floor for an uncounted amount of time. Cas was sure Dean's limbs would no doubt be protesting at the awkward position he had prolonged them in but he still made no attempt to move, arms still clutching at Kevin's lifeless form desperately as Cas held him.

It was after Cas had felt the halt to Dean's tears, he waited until the tremors running through Dean's body had completely subsided, made sure Dean's breathing had returned to a semblance of normality before he broke their silence, "We need to move him, Dean. We need to -" Cas ceased his words as he felt one of Dean's hands grip tightly into the folds of his shirt and he waited some more.

It was with hesitance that Dean finally shifted, pushing himself away from Cas' shoulder and seeking that intense blue gaze, "Will you," Dean cleared his throat as the words lodged themselves, "Will you help me?"

Cas nodded and watched as Dean reluctantly released his hold on the boy in his arms and laid him back against the solid ground. Cas rose to his feet slowly, taking Dean firmly by the hand and dragging him up beside him. "What do you wish to do?" Cas asked gently, his eyes firmly trained on the side of Dean's face as Dean seemed to be having trouble tearing his eyes away from his lost friend.

Dean glanced across at Cas, dropping his eyes to their still linked hands before looking back up, "Help me bury him? Properly?"

Cas nodded again.

-/-

Cas watched Dean closely when they re-entered the bunker. He seemed to have moved past grief and into a severe state of shock and Cas wasn't sure which would be worse for him.

Dean plodded himself heavily into one of the chairs in the main room, his eyes wide and staring blankly at the spot where he'd lost everything not a few hours before. Hands dirty with grime resting aimlessly against the table top.

Cas sat gingerly into the seat beside him, the silence had once again grown between them and Cas had no clue as to how he should break it. There was work to be done, lots of it, but where did they begin to fix this?

When Dean turned to face him he was surprised at the hints of a grin tugging at the corners of Dean's mouth and his brow furrowed in confusion. Dean's lips tilted a touch more, "You look like shit, man."

Cas looked down at himself – Dean was right of course, he was covered in numerous amounts of filth; dirt, blood, other dark grime that Cas didn't really want to examine that closely.

"Can't you just -" Dean waved his hand in his general direction, "You know, mojo clean?"

Cas smiled softly, "Suppose you're right," he didn't move so much as a muscle to have his body and his clothes looking pristine again, "Guess I'll have to adjust – again."

Dean was nodding at him slowly as if unaware of the action, his eyes flicking back over Cas' now clean form, "That's better." A few more beats of silence passed between them before Dean was speaking again, "How did you – what happened? I mean, the blood, the grace? You said you became a barbarian. Gotta admit, you still seem like Cas to me."

"It is a long story, unimportant, I have what I need for now. That's all that matters."

"Cas," Dean shifted in his seat as if he had thoughts about leaning closer but decided against it, "Please, tell me." Dean bit at his lip as he stared across at him, "_Distract_ me."

Cas breathed a sigh of understanding at Dean's phrase, nodding minimally and just talking, "Malachi and his followers. They had me, still thought that I knew more than I do. They wanted information, insight into Metatron. Nothing I could give them." Cas looked away from Dean's persistent gaze, preferring to watch his own hands twist in his lap, "It was only by luck I managed to escape. The angel I was left with was ambitious, I managed to use it to my advantage."

"And you stole his grace? Just like that, it's that simple?"

Cas nodded cautiously, "Simple to perform in some ways yes. But it is an act of atrocity, an act of disgrace." He shrugged, "Suppose after everything, how much more could it possibly taint me?" Dean looked like he was about to protest but Cas pressed forward, "I had to kill another regretful amount of brethren on my way out. Both large factions now no doubt have a longing for my head."

Cas looked across to Dean in surprise when he felt the hunters hand curl over the top of his own, "They're not getting anywhere near you Cas. We'll stop them. You know we will."

Cas smiled softly, elation rising within him when he heard conviction within Dean's tone. He heard strength and hope, a hunger to fight – that's the Dean he knew.

Cas flipped his palm over, his fingers easily linking together with Dean's, "You said you had what you need for now?"

"This war, it will bring danger," Dean snorted at the term, "Among other things. It is wiser to be prepared in the best way I can be. Having grace, being an angel again, I'm better equipped like this. I can – I believe removing the substance when this is over will be marginally painless."

Dean's hand stilled against Cas' where he'd been circling his thumb slowly, "Wait, what? What do you mean remove the substance? Why would you want -?"

Cas raised his gaze, seeming uncertain with his previous words, or with Dean's question of them Dean wasn't sure. "I wish to remain human Dean. I had made that decision a long time ago – but then the choice to implement it on my own was taken from me and I was forced into it. The circumstances were entirely not what I envisioned, not what I wanted, but the desired result was mixed in there somewhere."

"Cas, why?"

"Humanity is a great thing Dean, you taught me that. It is worth saving, worth being a part of. And it is still my intention to do as such. Here, with you."

Dean was leaning forward before either one of them was really processing the movement. He clutched a hand firmly through the back of Cas' hair, dragging him forward and pressing his lips over Cas' slightly parted ones.

He pressed against him solidly, neither one of them moving for more but each revelling in the feel of the other beneath their touch, their mouths melding together.

Dean drew back almost as fast as he had surged forward, his eyes seeking Cas' and a smile returning to his lips as he saw the pleasure shining from behind the blue.

Cas followed him, returning the gesture and placing his mouth back against Dean's chastely. Hand once again seeking Dean's and clutching at his fingers tightly.

"We'll fix it," Cas murmured against him, "Everything. The angels, heaven, Sam," He paused at the mention of the younger Winchester, feeling Dean clench beneath him but he grasped at him just as tight, "_We'll _fix it, Dean."

"I know," Dean stated softly, "I know."

Dean placed his lips back to Cas', moving with a touch more insistence as he tilted Cas' head to a better position. They fell into each other's touches, it was comfort and hope and promise all rolled into one.

It was them – and they could accomplish anything.


End file.
